Transportation

I guess you can take this in a lot of directions. I mean, you want something badass and mean right? Loud enough where you can hear it drone comin your way from the horizon, make the weak lambs of the land shudder and think it's a machine of death ready to pick their bones. Easy choice would be Wayne Industries' Batmobile. That thing is a tank with knobby rubber tires. It's got a jet engine, can smash through 3 feet of concrete without a dent, and when it takes a peeble to the oil pan, the thing can smash apart and turn into a sweet Harley with 4 foot wide tires. But ya know, for me, it's the end of the world, you can't have it all too easy, and the Batmobile would be too easy. That said, always been a big fan of the Road Warrior movies, and that badass Australian Ford Interceptor just does it for me.

Nitros, messy interior — booby trap switch under the gas cap, cmon bro, that shit is boss. But hey it is 2009 — maybe we should update things? Let go with Deathrace's Frankenstiens' Monster 2006 Ford Mustang GT. Any ride with 2 mini-guns strapped to the hood of the passenger side is a car after my heart. It's perfect to cutting down crowds of hungry ghouls or a few Commie bastards that thought the good ole US and A was ripe for the pickin. Opps sorry, did I run over your spleen?

My Pick: Jason Statham's Mustang of Death.
Runner Up: Mel Gibson's gas guzzling Aussie Gay Biker Basher.

Cutlery

Hey you might need to slice your way through overgrown landscape — remember it's the end of the world, nobody cuts their lawn anymore... either that, you may have the itch to go Zorro on some dreck trying to take your stash of riches, so when a gun might be too loud for the jobby, you need something fantastic to spill entrails on pavement, let's look at the choices. First one that comes to mind is Blade's Daywalker Sword. Hey, I say you can't go wrong with a silver bladed instrument of death, and it takes care of Vampires and has a nifty little defense mechanism that makes you look like you just grabbed a handful of spagetti and sauce if you're not the owner of the sword... sucks if you can't jerk off with your left hand! I say that's all a plus. Oh, but how about the classic Rambo knife? Nah, we gotta go modern, Rambo's new knife forged by hand in his dark sweaty blacksmith shack in Cambodia gives this butter knife some character. Anything that can take 10 minutes of overproduced footage of Sylvester Stallone's cock-viened face smashing sparks of iron in the camera has to be a great apocalyptic head splitter. Nah, I gotta go old school Shogun here — let's take Uma Thurman's Hatori Hanzo and Ginsu these pathetic survivors of the end.


My Pick: Hatori Hanzo from Kill Bill (any sword that can maim 200 Japanese swordsman in Men's Warehouse Reservoir Dogs suits and still finely slice a tomato is good by me.)
Runner Up: Rambo 4 knife, it's a Evil Gook smasher. Blade's Daywalker Sword... um, Vampires don't exist. Right?

Firearms

Well if zombies are at your door, people kick puppies and then eat them for breakfast, or your neighbors are running off of bridges to get away from the four horsemen of the apocalypse, I'd say the Brady Bill can kiss my tan ass. I'm stocking up and I'm stocking hard. These things will be on my body or in my trunk ready to rain lead on anything that tries to take my canned pet food.

Assault Rifle

Here I'm going SOCOM Navy Seal on your ass. I would think that 5.56 ammo would be somewhat acessible in the American Wasteland. If we're talking a Great Asia armageddon, then I guess I'd have to go with the piece of shit terror toy AK-47. I was gonna go a little more contemporary with HK's G36 carbine, but as far as Ghost Recon style spawn killing, M4 always did the trick — even though I rocked the SA-80 more.

Long Range Paranoia Maker

If you've seen the original Robocop, and Dr. Romano from ER says "I LIKE IT!" yeah, my sentiments exactly. Let's shoot some heads with a Barret .50 Cal and finish my human tongue sandwich while my victim's posse scrambles for cover stepping over peices of splintered skull.

CQB

When you're rummaging through your dead neighbors belongings, you don't want to be suprised by feral dogs or unsuspecting cannibal squaters. So what's a guy roll with to ransack tight corridors? Can't go wrong with FN's Tactical Police Shotty... red-dot sight is a nice little touch, so cute! I gotta say, I'm a bit nostalgic too with Mel Gibson's sawed-off double barrell with shells that wouldn't fire, something about two big holes in your face really makes people lose their self esteem I gotta say.

Handguns

First, every redneck gun junkie always gushes over the .45 ACP. Okay I get it — big bullet, big hole, big death. Sure — I've only fired a 45 once at the range, def a big gun, after shooting 9s and 40s, the 45 is definately the load that says, Hi there, wanna take your hands off my booty? Well, I mind as well fall in line, I'm going all the way, double holsters of Punisher .45's, can't go wrong there, I'm going Chow Yun Fat you.

But hey, can't stop there... I gotta have aleast a 40 cal HK USP or Sig, hey, what's good enough for Jack Bauer is good enough for me right?

Lastly, admittedly, I'm a bit of an untrained shot — although after killing a few dozen road agents and flesh hungry Catholic School Girls, I'm confident I'll be able to produce tight groups. While I'm in training mode, I may need to spray and pray, and if that's the case, I may need a Glock 18 for those drive by's spraying into a crowd on the undead. Another great option would be the HK MP7 — hey, everyone and their mother rocks that on Rainbow Six Vega multiplayer, I'm thinking you can't argue with the numbers can you — clack-clack.

Apparel

You know, I work pretty hard these days to be able to wear size 34 waist and look good in large sized fitted shirts and not show any unwanted buldge. I'm thinking the form-fitting tactical suits in the new GI Joe movie are out for me to wear for the End of Days if I can't find a girdle. Little too form fitting for my tastes, I look alright clothed, but I can't say I got a beach-ready body to be able to paint a form-fitting suit on — let alone some kind of Armageddon Batsuit. I think I'm more into the Titus Pullo body type of Punisher Warzone. You know that dude's got so much body armor on, who has time to notice his love handles? That sounds more like what I'm talking about. Perfect outfit to repel some light small arms fire and blunt force instruments, but with enough padding and layers to keep the Cooties off. Hey, if the shit goes down, the least you can do is look good fucking up in the fucked up world you're rockin in right?

So, I think it's safe to say that if I've got the tools above, I think I can really make a difference in the World Gone to Shit scenario. I don't know about you — but the first thing I'm doing with some economic stimulus is getting my "Predaredness" groove on. What's on your death-clock list? See you when the shit hits the proverbial fan.

It's Monday, and it's time for some 24. I absolutely love 24. Love it. No bones about it. That show is a pure guilty pleasure. I don't care how stupid the plot-lines get, how redundant the story devices are, how flimsy the supporting cast, I watch because of Jack Bauer. Bauer is the symbolism of what American justice should be. Pure Death. Death to terrorism. Death to corruption. Death to the opposition of a free society. Death to incompetent government jerkoffs. Death to Chloe. Seriously, I can watch Jack Bauer kill, maim, torture, spittle people all day asking "WHERE IS THE DETONATOR? — DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TO AND YOU KNOW IT!"

Sure 24 has become a cliche of itself. Every season has become a repeat of itself with different characters and new enemies. Premise is usually the same every year. Bad guys show up, give the President an ulcer. Jack Bauer is doing something that doesn't involve kicking puppies in the first hour. Government agencies beg Jack for help — they use the "Do it for America — do it cause you don't want dead innocent Americans on your conscience". They always think they have Jack on a leash (cause he's always expendable). Little do they know its Jack that's got everyone on his leash. No one believes in Jack. Jack goes rogue. Government is after Jack. Terrorist are after Jack. Jack is after everyone. Someone innocent always gets tortured - usually by Jack. There's always an evil mole in the Government. There's usually a mole you think is bad, but turns out to be good. Someone Jack cares about usually dies. Jack usually has to pretend to kill someone to get into deep cover. Jack always makes people make an ultimate sacrifice because it will save "Countless Lives". Jack will kill everyone he needs to. Jack will kill his own family members. Jack will cut someone's body parts off. Jack will save the day. Jack always looks like killing people like it's going out of style takes a toll at the end. Jack will go on hiatus. Of course until next season when they need him to rinse and repeat.

So with all of this violence, you have to ask yourself, exactly how many people has he actually killed in 6 seasons of work? (7 is in progress, but admittedly, he's off to a slow start) I've actually been looking for a definitive resource for some form of a kill count. There's a few blogs out there, but one post I found on IGN message boards might be the most accurate. The poster "Inebriator" might have the most detailed account I've seen, it's even got the coolest title...

The Jack Bauer Historical Encyclopedia of Death. Check it out!

Glancing through it, 6 season's work has yielded 180.5 kills. Not sure where that half kill is but...that's more than any mass murderer I've ever heard off. He's a walking genocide waiting to happen. His most prolific hour? Season 4 - episode 6, between noon and 1pm had him offing 12 goons in a raid to save Defense Secretary Heller (whom he should have let die anyway cause that dude was a douchebag). His most impressive season was season 6, a whopping 49 kills (couldn't make it 50?). His slowest was season 1, only 13 (which I kinda find hard to believe) I guess the show writers were'nt sure how to introduce audiences with the basic equivalent to Jason Voorhees with a .40 cal Sig Sauer and body armor. So if you're in the mood to watch a ballet of terrorist death, foreign and domestic, tune in on Monday's at 9.

Also checkout Jack Bauer is God for some fun tidbits, And follow Jack on Twitter, there's fun to be had there.

"I know when I walk in there to fight Georges, there’s just gonna be one thing that’s constantly going through my head. To the death. We’re gonna go to the death. I’m not gonna stop. I’m willing to die. I’m gonna go, serious Georges, I’m gonna go to the death, and I’m gonna try to kill you, and I’m not joking about this." ~ B.J. Penn

Penn, you got bested and you got beat down, so bad you couldn't even finish. Quite honestly, I would have respected you more if the fight was stopped as it should have been at the end of the 4th. Why Ives Levine allowed Penn to even survive the round is beyond me, and GSP's frustration at punching the cage was an exclamation point of a good old fashion ass kickin. Penn is still a world class fighter, but he's not in the same class right now as GSP, and he really shouldn't try competing at 170 anymore. Anyone notice when they flashed the tale of the tape — Penn weighed in under 170? That was the foreshadowing of things to come. When GSP came into the cage chiseled and buff, in comparison to Penn's modest and obviously smaller physique, that should have been a huge indication of what to expect. St. Pierre from the start clinched and manhandled Penn for 4 straight rounds. Congrats to GSP, Penn — go back to One Five Five and defend your title against Kenny Florian and rebuild your name. — I hope you actually beat his ass (Florian) cause I am a big fan of yours, just think you kinda had this beating coming after all the talk.

On a side note to Dana White, UFC 94 was pretty boring, I think you should have borrowed a few fight match ups from UFC 92 and added them to this card instead. The only other exciting fight was Lyoto Machida's KO of Thiago Silva — which by the way puts Machida's name into the hat for Rashad Evans' title, 205 division is a good as ever.

What can I say, I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but in the next few weeks, I'm thinking this game is gonna rock the video game world. I'm in love with the look and art direction of the game, it's everything in a sci-fi shooter I look for, minus weird alien creatures. It future military gun porn at it's finest. I'm please to hear reports that the multiplayer is the part that the reviewers are raving about. A FPS with poor multiplayer is not even worth two minutes of play time, multiplayer with friends smashing and spawn killing noobs is where the fun is to be had. 32 players, with bots and a player class/level system, sounds awesome, sign me up I'm there. 

Folks I'm on the fence here. I really can't tell you who I'll be cheering for. Its kinda like UFC 92 where Forest Griffin and Rashad Evans squared off, I really liked both fighters, but I called that one when I said that Rashad's athleticism was gonna win it. This one between Penn and St. Pierre, is not too clear in my eyes. On one had you got Penn, who's a master jiu-jitsu artist, and his overall standup is stellar and easily under-estimated. Then you got GSP, who is a physical specimen to be reckoned with. 170 my ass, that guy probably walks around at 185-190. That's where I have some reservations about calling this for Penn. Penn right now is fighting his best in the 155 weight class. Of course he's probably naturally around 170 and cuts down. But moving up to 170 could present problems for him. If you remember their last fight in 2006, Penn had no trouble trading with GSP, in fact he dominated early in the 1st round cutting him and routinely beat him to the punch. It was only when GSP changed his tactics with the clinch and started slamming Penn, and manhandling him — controlling the action on the ground — is when he started to control and ultimately win that first meeting via decision. Right now, it remains to be seen if Penn has the physical strength to be able to control GSP's wrestling. But both these guys are warriors, at the top of their game, this is a mega-fight, one you don't see but once every few years.

I'm not sure who I'm going for, the UFC Primetime show featuring Penn's non-stop mouth had me a bit turned off, I hate trash talking, but I can respect what he's doing, he knows he's the underdog, if this is how he gets himself ready so be it. But GSP's trainer was right when he said that Penn is doing nothing but putting more pressure on himself, because come Sunday, if he doesn't come clean and deliver, that's a lot of razor blades he's gotta swallow. GSP is as likable a guy you can get considering he's a French Canadian :) He projects a clean image, and respects the sport and his opponents. This is gonna be fun.

As for Sunday, yeah, I think most of the excitement will be the 3-D commercials.

What do you guys think?

See video from their first fight at UFC 58