So its 2012, Rapture, the flesh eating dead rise from the ground, a super flu leaves everyone shit-faced except for a handful of idiots that keep dreaming about Aunt Jemima, nuclear suckfest, angry rage infected Britains with bad teeth, or Al gore and Roland Emmerich have the last laugh and the planet's weather system is screwed forever — what are you gonna need on hand to make the road agents and zombies to run for cover? Me? Well I've made arrangements to send my family to planet "It's Way Better Here", so no worries for my loved ones, it'll only be me, the Lonesome Dove left here on Planet Zero to have all the fun — but I need to go shopping...

Transportation

I guess you can take this in a lot of directions. I mean, you want something badass and mean right? Loud enough where you can hear it drone comin your way from the horizon, make the weak lambs of the land shudder and think it's a machine of death ready to pick their bones. Easy choice would be Wayne Industries' Batmobile. That thing is a tank with knobby rubber tires. It's got a jet engine, can smash through 3 feet of concrete without a dent, and when it takes a peeble to the oil pan, the thing can smash apart and turn into a sweet Harley with 4 foot wide tires. But ya know, for me, it's the end of the world, you can't have it all too easy, and the Batmobile would be too easy. That said, always been a big fan of the Road Warrior movies, and that badass Australian Ford Interceptor just does it for me.

Nitros, messy interior — booby trap switch under the gas cap, cmon bro, that shit is boss. But hey it is 2009 — maybe we should update things? Let go with Deathrace's Frankenstiens' Monster 2006 Ford Mustang GT. Any ride with 2 mini-guns strapped to the hood of the passenger side is a car after my heart. It's perfect to cutting down crowds of hungry ghouls or a few Commie bastards that thought the good ole US and A was ripe for the pickin. Opps sorry, did I run over your spleen?

My Pick: Jason Statham's Mustang of Death.
Runner Up: Mel Gibson's gas guzzling Aussie Gay Biker Basher.

Cutlery

Hey you might need to slice your way through overgrown landscape — remember it's the end of the world, nobody cuts their lawn anymore... either that, you may have the itch to go Zorro on some dreck trying to take your stash of riches, so when a gun might be too loud for the jobby, you need something fantastic to spill entrails on pavement, let's look at the choices. First one that comes to mind is Blade's Daywalker Sword. Hey, I say you can't go wrong with a silver bladed instrument of death, and it takes care of Vampires and has a nifty little defense mechanism that makes you look like you just grabbed a handful of spagetti and sauce if you're not the owner of the sword... sucks if you can't jerk off with your left hand! I say that's all a plus. Oh, but how about the classic Rambo knife? Nah, we gotta go modern, Rambo's new knife forged by hand in his dark sweaty blacksmith shack in Cambodia gives this butter knife some character. Anything that can take 10 minutes of overproduced footage of Sylvester Stallone's cock-viened face smashing sparks of iron in the camera has to be a great apocalyptic head splitter. Nah, I gotta go old school Shogun here — let's take Uma Thurman's Hatori Hanzo and Ginsu these pathetic survivors of the end.


My Pick: Hatori Hanzo from Kill Bill (any sword that can maim 200 Japanese swordsman in Men's Warehouse Reservoir Dogs suits and still finely slice a tomato is good by me.)
Runner Up: Rambo 4 knife, it's a Evil Gook smasher. Blade's Daywalker Sword... um, Vampires don't exist. Right?

Firearms

Well if zombies are at your door, people kick puppies and then eat them for breakfast, or your neighbors are running off of bridges to get away from the four horsemen of the apocalypse, I'd say the Brady Bill can kiss my tan ass. I'm stocking up and I'm stocking hard. These things will be on my body or in my trunk ready to rain lead on anything that tries to take my canned pet food.

Assault Rifle

Here I'm going SOCOM Navy Seal on your ass. I would think that 5.56 ammo would be somewhat acessible in the American Wasteland. If we're talking a Great Asia armageddon, then I guess I'd have to go with the piece of shit terror toy AK-47. I was gonna go a little more contemporary with HK's G36 carbine, but as far as Ghost Recon style spawn killing, M4 always did the trick — even though I rocked the SA-80 more.

Long Range Paranoia Maker

If you've seen the original Robocop, and Dr. Romano from ER says "I LIKE IT!" yeah, my sentiments exactly. Let's shoot some heads with a Barret .50 Cal and finish my human tongue sandwich while my victim's posse scrambles for cover stepping over peices of splintered skull.

CQB

When you're rummaging through your dead neighbors belongings, you don't want to be suprised by feral dogs or unsuspecting cannibal squaters. So what's a guy roll with to ransack tight corridors? Can't go wrong with FN's Tactical Police Shotty... red-dot sight is a nice little touch, so cute! I gotta say, I'm a bit nostalgic too with Mel Gibson's sawed-off double barrell with shells that wouldn't fire, something about two big holes in your face really makes people lose their self esteem I gotta say.

Handguns

First, every redneck gun junkie always gushes over the .45 ACP. Okay I get it — big bullet, big hole, big death. Sure — I've only fired a 45 once at the range, def a big gun, after shooting 9s and 40s, the 45 is definately the load that says, Hi there, wanna take your hands off my booty? Well, I mind as well fall in line, I'm going all the way, double holsters of Punisher .45's, can't go wrong there, I'm going Chow Yun Fat you.

But hey, can't stop there... I gotta have aleast a 40 cal HK USP or Sig, hey, what's good enough for Jack Bauer is good enough for me right?

Lastly, admittedly, I'm a bit of an untrained shot — although after killing a few dozen road agents and flesh hungry Catholic School Girls, I'm confident I'll be able to produce tight groups. While I'm in training mode, I may need to spray and pray, and if that's the case, I may need a Glock 18 for those drive by's spraying into a crowd on the undead. Another great option would be the HK MP7 — hey, everyone and their mother rocks that on Rainbow Six Vega multiplayer, I'm thinking you can't argue with the numbers can you — clack-clack.

Apparel

You know, I work pretty hard these days to be able to wear size 34 waist and look good in large sized fitted shirts and not show any unwanted buldge. I'm thinking the form-fitting tactical suits in the new GI Joe movie are out for me to wear for the End of Days if I can't find a girdle. Little too form fitting for my tastes, I look alright clothed, but I can't say I got a beach-ready body to be able to paint a form-fitting suit on — let alone some kind of Armageddon Batsuit. I think I'm more into the Titus Pullo body type of Punisher Warzone. You know that dude's got so much body armor on, who has time to notice his love handles? That sounds more like what I'm talking about. Perfect outfit to repel some light small arms fire and blunt force instruments, but with enough padding and layers to keep the Cooties off. Hey, if the shit goes down, the least you can do is look good fucking up in the fucked up world you're rockin in right?

So, I think it's safe to say that if I've got the tools above, I think I can really make a difference in the World Gone to Shit scenario. I don't know about you — but the first thing I'm doing with some economic stimulus is getting my "Predaredness" groove on. What's on your death-clock list? See you when the shit hits the proverbial fan.